Humor

Christmas Songs: Sometimes They’re Just the Worst.

I used to work with my boss, instead of for her. During those times, we would complain about how early Christmas music began, “Right after Thanksgiving!” we would say disdainfully, “It’s still fall for gods sake!”

Oh how things change; now that she is a business owner, her habits reflect those of a vast majority of retailers, both large and small. The day after Thanksgiving I walked to work in a world of scarlet and gold. Only to find a shop full of red, white, and green.

Not terrible, as a lot of people want to get their shopping out of the way. What broke my spirit was the music. We complained, our customers complained, but our bosses wishes stood above all else, and so it began.

Pandora is a mixed blessing- good for introducing you to a myriad of artists and styles you might not normally be exposed to. But it has a darker side, a side of playing bands you’ve down-voted over and over (I’m sorry, The Chieftains, I just cannot learn to like you), and repeating the same song every two or three tracks. Up-vote one tune and hear it three times an hour until you skip it and make the program understand that maybe you don’t want to hear it for awhile. But skip too often and your right to that is revoked, even with a paying account, because it’s algorithms can recognize you skipping a track, but not that it just played four songs from 2000’s “The Grinch” back to back,  bookended by the eleven minute long Dr. Seuss Story Version.

You see my problem(s)?

So… all in the name of venting and the good fun that entails, here’s some holiday songs that make me pray for an excuse to go into our stores nightmare inducing basement or out into the cold streets of downtown.

No links provided, if you haven’t heard these songs- do yourself a favor and embrace your blissful ignorance.

Little Drummer Boy: Imagine, if you will- You’ve been traveling by donkey for days with your newborn child, and every place you reach turns you away. You are tired, hungry, and losing hope. Finally you manage to get a place to sleep, except that place is an manger with animals and straw. Now you’re tired, hungry, and losing hope in an uncomfortable and unsanitary environment.

Then these strangers start showing up. First you have Three Kings,  not bad- you might say. But do they bring anything useful? Yes and no, instead of a doctor, nourishment, and shelter, they offer… gold, myrrh, and frankincense… Completely useless at the moment, but at least it can be sold so you can eat later. Next up is those shepherds and they… *looks up lyrics* And they brought… nothing? Sheep? Did they take their sheep? They must have, right? So more animals, cool. My grandfather raised sheep, nice enough creatures, but their wool stinks. Just sayin’.

Just when you think breast feeding can’t get anymore awkward with this host of strange men around you, a boy child shows up.

A kid.

With a fucking drum.

Like? What? Who sent this kid? What evil bastard told this kid to do this? Can you imagine if a kid showed up with a snare (the tradition accompaniment to the song) to play for a mother of an infant only days old after she had been traveling by donkey for those aforementioned days. His sticks would be broken and cast into the flame, his drum the bowl from which the mother would sup on his tears in order to nourish her child…

Hahah. What?

All I want for Christmas is You: All I want is to only hear the My Chemical Romance version of this pop up on Pandora, just once. Preferably when there are no customers in the store and I can scream along while playing air guitar and hope at least someone is looking at the security cams to see how cool I am.

Where Are you Christmas- Cindy Lu Who Edition: How is this the voice that helped the Grinch’s heart grow? How is this the song that Celine Dion was coerced into doing an ending credits version of? How is this the song that punctuates the quiet moments in the shop with a high pitched waver, akin to the mournful keening of a lost child, which, I suppose, in many ways, it is.

Feliz Navidad: Want the same words in two languages to be stuck in your head for days on end? Look no further! Want a song so simple you can learn the lyrics in a matter of seconds? Have we got a song for you! The repition here will destroy me, or I will destroy it, I am not sure which will occur first. Every year, I am forced to hear it again, and every year, I grow angrier. Where is the tipping point? When will these two powers collide in furious battle? Who will stand in the rubble of victory?

Only time can tell.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: I am not an advocate for violence, regardless of what my posts may lead you to believe. Nor do I support hunting. That being said.. Where is this deer? I’ll kill it. No one fucks with my grandmother. Combine the horrible subject matter with a grating twang and a penchant for rednecks to enjoy this song more than others and you have a recipe for rage, my friend.

That Awful Chipmunks Song: Whoever thought of this abomination should be erased from history. Dave should be replaced by the Terminator and Alvin, Simon, and Theodore should be Terminated. I loved the movie A Chipmunk Adventure, but Christmas has a way of poisoning those memories, and that is not what Christmas is for. Damn you, Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. Damn you.

 

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